Utah.
I grew up with a cold unloving mother. Looking back on my early childhood, all I remember about her is that she made us food and we were always clean with our hair combed. Physically, we were well taken care of. Emotionally, I do not remember any hugs, I love you's, or many words of encouragement.
I remmeber trying to be funny sometimes and her telling me that I wasn't nice. When I got older it got worse because looking back, I probably was beginning to act out due to the love that was lacking in my life. My mom told me on 2 occasions how she had over heard adults saying how much they dislike me.
When I came home from school she would immediately start yelling at me to get me to start cleaning. Even if I had a bad day at school there was not a lot of comfort in coming home. There was nobody to talk to about my problems and if I told her that someone had done something to hurt me she would immediately assume I must have done something to deserve it. I do not recall a single incident that she stuck up for me.
As I grew a bit older I felt I had to hide all emotions and that nobody, especially my family, could see me cry. One day she broke down in tears telling me she had always treated me different due to a medical abortion she had to have because she became pregnant too soon after I was born and there were complications with the pregnancy and she blamed me thus treating me differently from the time I was a baby. I am not sure if she was trying to help me or hurt me but that only validated my feelings of being unwanted and unloved.
I desperately wanted a boyfriend who would love me but could never find one although many considered me quite attractive. Every time I saw the first star of the night, I would wish for a boyfriend and every time I blew out all my candles I would wish for a boyfriend.
In case you have not noticed, I have not mentioned my father. Yes, I have one, yes they are still married. Physically I have a father, emotionally I do not. He was physically abusive when he was mad at me. He would completely lose control on me. One night after a party with his friends, he came home depressed and asked me why I cannot be more like his friend's daughter. I wondered the same thing myself. Why couldn't I be warmer and more outgoing and more talkative. Of course I summed it up to me being a loser but looking back it is obvious now. Now that I know the affects of emotional abuse.
Well, I began experimenting with drugs and alcohol and my quest to find a boyfriend to love me became a little easier. My first kiss was a 19 year old scumbag and I was only 15. I was drunk. Romantic. Not the way I pictured it to be. Then there was this guy that I truly did have feelings for who was pretty decent (for a girl like me at that time), but my inability to allow myself intimacy ruined that for me. We only kissed when we were drunk. When we were sober he was nice enough to take me out on dates (nicer than most of the guys I knew), but when he would try to kiss me I would freeze and one time we were in the car and he went to kiss me and I opened the door an leaned out the door pretending to be sick. Then came that day that I had so long been waiting for. The day he asked me to be his girlfriend and I blew it. I was so shocked and scared that I ignored him and he never asked me again. Soon after, he got a girlfriend. At work there was this illegal immigrant who tried very hard to win my attention and he won it. He hugged me and I melted. For once in my life someone wanted me and held me and hugged me. Due to his lack of U.S. citizenship I had to keep him a secret from my family. It was almost like I was using him for affection. We did have intercourse and always used protection until one day I was on my period and "wanted to know what it was like" to do it with out a condom. I found out what it was like and also found out I get pregnant very easily. Before I took the pregnancy test we talked about adoption and how I would move away and then have the baby and yada yada yada. I meant every word from the bottom of my heart. That was before I knew the result of the test. I took the test and it had 2 lines. To me that meant negative. 2 negatives, right? We then read the instructions and were shocked to find out that 2 lines mean positive. He asked me what I wanted to do and without hesitation I said I am getting an abortion and that is what I did. So, there I was with another rotten egg in my basket hence I felt like a very rotten person and continued self destructive behaviour to the point where I believe I almost died. One night I smoked pot, then downed some hard liquor then someone offered me a line of coke and then someone else offered me some mushrooms. I obliged. The turning point in my life was a night filled with lines of some sort of white powder combined with a lot of alcohol and a guy who claims I had been promising to "hook up" with him for months now and when I didn't have any interest in that with him he left me in this little casino town called Wendover, NV.
He did eventually come back for me and we had a silent 2 hour drive home then I never saw him again. The next day I looked down at my arm and saw a nice cigarette burn on my forearm. Finally, a wake up call for me. I found religion and soon after that I found my husband and we have a very nice relationship and beautiful toddlers. I pour all of my heart and soul into those boys. They are the light of my life. When they are grown I know there will be at least one thing they will know. Their mommy always loved them very deeply and always showed it. My marriage is pretty good. We are pretty good friends and I do love him, however, I do have some intimacy problems with him and I think I will get counciling soon for that but there is no doubt in my mind or anyone else's that he loves me dearly and we will always be together. I feel like my life is pretty normal now and I do feel I have pretty much overcome most of my problems. By the way..my mom is in my life now. Now that I have her grandkids. Go figure. Even that evokes a bit of anger in me, but I guess my need for a mother in my life overrides it.
p.s. I was also terrorized by my older brother and physically and emotionally abused by him. I feel like after my rock bottom moment, when I changed my life, I became a new person. All my problems in the past were no longer affecting me like they once did. I feel I did not make this change on my own. I really felt the presence of the Lord during my time of transition. I believe he helped me become the person I am today despite things I have had to overcome.
I remmeber trying to be funny sometimes and her telling me that I wasn't nice. When I got older it got worse because looking back, I probably was beginning to act out due to the love that was lacking in my life. My mom told me on 2 occasions how she had over heard adults saying how much they dislike me.
When I came home from school she would immediately start yelling at me to get me to start cleaning. Even if I had a bad day at school there was not a lot of comfort in coming home. There was nobody to talk to about my problems and if I told her that someone had done something to hurt me she would immediately assume I must have done something to deserve it. I do not recall a single incident that she stuck up for me.
As I grew a bit older I felt I had to hide all emotions and that nobody, especially my family, could see me cry. One day she broke down in tears telling me she had always treated me different due to a medical abortion she had to have because she became pregnant too soon after I was born and there were complications with the pregnancy and she blamed me thus treating me differently from the time I was a baby. I am not sure if she was trying to help me or hurt me but that only validated my feelings of being unwanted and unloved.
I desperately wanted a boyfriend who would love me but could never find one although many considered me quite attractive. Every time I saw the first star of the night, I would wish for a boyfriend and every time I blew out all my candles I would wish for a boyfriend.
In case you have not noticed, I have not mentioned my father. Yes, I have one, yes they are still married. Physically I have a father, emotionally I do not. He was physically abusive when he was mad at me. He would completely lose control on me. One night after a party with his friends, he came home depressed and asked me why I cannot be more like his friend's daughter. I wondered the same thing myself. Why couldn't I be warmer and more outgoing and more talkative. Of course I summed it up to me being a loser but looking back it is obvious now. Now that I know the affects of emotional abuse.
Well, I began experimenting with drugs and alcohol and my quest to find a boyfriend to love me became a little easier. My first kiss was a 19 year old scumbag and I was only 15. I was drunk. Romantic. Not the way I pictured it to be. Then there was this guy that I truly did have feelings for who was pretty decent (for a girl like me at that time), but my inability to allow myself intimacy ruined that for me. We only kissed when we were drunk. When we were sober he was nice enough to take me out on dates (nicer than most of the guys I knew), but when he would try to kiss me I would freeze and one time we were in the car and he went to kiss me and I opened the door an leaned out the door pretending to be sick. Then came that day that I had so long been waiting for. The day he asked me to be his girlfriend and I blew it. I was so shocked and scared that I ignored him and he never asked me again. Soon after, he got a girlfriend. At work there was this illegal immigrant who tried very hard to win my attention and he won it. He hugged me and I melted. For once in my life someone wanted me and held me and hugged me. Due to his lack of U.S. citizenship I had to keep him a secret from my family. It was almost like I was using him for affection. We did have intercourse and always used protection until one day I was on my period and "wanted to know what it was like" to do it with out a condom. I found out what it was like and also found out I get pregnant very easily. Before I took the pregnancy test we talked about adoption and how I would move away and then have the baby and yada yada yada. I meant every word from the bottom of my heart. That was before I knew the result of the test. I took the test and it had 2 lines. To me that meant negative. 2 negatives, right? We then read the instructions and were shocked to find out that 2 lines mean positive. He asked me what I wanted to do and without hesitation I said I am getting an abortion and that is what I did. So, there I was with another rotten egg in my basket hence I felt like a very rotten person and continued self destructive behaviour to the point where I believe I almost died. One night I smoked pot, then downed some hard liquor then someone offered me a line of coke and then someone else offered me some mushrooms. I obliged. The turning point in my life was a night filled with lines of some sort of white powder combined with a lot of alcohol and a guy who claims I had been promising to "hook up" with him for months now and when I didn't have any interest in that with him he left me in this little casino town called Wendover, NV.
He did eventually come back for me and we had a silent 2 hour drive home then I never saw him again. The next day I looked down at my arm and saw a nice cigarette burn on my forearm. Finally, a wake up call for me. I found religion and soon after that I found my husband and we have a very nice relationship and beautiful toddlers. I pour all of my heart and soul into those boys. They are the light of my life. When they are grown I know there will be at least one thing they will know. Their mommy always loved them very deeply and always showed it. My marriage is pretty good. We are pretty good friends and I do love him, however, I do have some intimacy problems with him and I think I will get counciling soon for that but there is no doubt in my mind or anyone else's that he loves me dearly and we will always be together. I feel like my life is pretty normal now and I do feel I have pretty much overcome most of my problems. By the way..my mom is in my life now. Now that I have her grandkids. Go figure. Even that evokes a bit of anger in me, but I guess my need for a mother in my life overrides it.
p.s. I was also terrorized by my older brother and physically and emotionally abused by him. I feel like after my rock bottom moment, when I changed my life, I became a new person. All my problems in the past were no longer affecting me like they once did. I feel I did not make this change on my own. I really felt the presence of the Lord during my time of transition. I believe he helped me become the person I am today despite things I have had to overcome.
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